Welcome to the Bredgar blog!
Please send any questions you want and I'll do my best to answer them and come up with useful tips.
Try to ask exact questions about words, sentences, beginnings, characters, endings, etc.
Please don't send everything you have written and ask for a comment on the whole lot! It'd take days for me to reply.
Fire away! Love to see how you're getting on ...
Here is the BRUNSWICK work for me to comment on:
Please check out our blog. We have 6 entries based on our WWI input. Alicia and George work to follow.
Patiently, I waited for George to return from the fields. I had dinner on the table and couldn't wait to get started! Suddenly, out of nowhere [you said he was in the fields!], George came storming in through the weak, wooden door [Do we need all these adjectives here? They slow the pace down. Good for SATs, bad for the reader!]], making a hinge fall to the ground with a clatter. [Like it] There was an awrkward [sp?]scilence [sp?] as George stared me down. Before I knew it, he had me pinned against the crumbly wall, shouting [comma here] "WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME ALICIA, WHY?" [New para]I was lost for words... [Really? But she starts speaking!] '"WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT GEORGE ? Question mark, yes?] I DONT [Punctuation needed here, please]WHAT THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS YOUR (you are = you're]TALKING ABOUT!" [Personally I don't like all these capital letters - why not just use the word 'loudly or 'shouted'? They say the same thing]I replied, with gravel in my voice [excellent], [Full stop needed.] I turned away, not even bothering to turn back around.
Written by Sadie [And you are a star, Sadie. This is a great beginning that had me really hooked. Very exciting]
Please send any questions you want and I'll do my best to answer them and come up with useful tips.
Try to ask exact questions about words, sentences, beginnings, characters, endings, etc.
Please don't send everything you have written and ask for a comment on the whole lot! It'd take days for me to reply.
Fire away! Love to see how you're getting on ...
Here is the BRUNSWICK work for me to comment on:
Please check out our blog. We have 6 entries based on our WWI input. Alicia and George work to follow.
Written by Sadie [And you are a star, Sadie. This is a great beginning that had me really hooked. Very exciting]
FROM ZARA
Beside me a man has blood spraying out of him. [Full stop and cap here probably better] Yuck! Revolting! [Excl mark added?] S [cap added]mells like urinated mud [ugh!], rotting bodies and things that make me want to vomit. Bombs exploding all around me, holding my ears because it's louder than a stereo [Did they have them in 1914?] full blast. Smoke clouds are rising and drifting up my nose. I can't help but [good] sneeze, vomit and cough. It's not very comfortable when you are crawling around in a trench, with rats surrounding me. A dead body right in front of me ... [Dots added. If you use fragmanted, broken sentences like this, you should use punctuation that matches it] I feel like I'm swimming in a puddle of blood mixed with urine, sick and wet sloppy mud. [Ok, ok, perhaps we've got the picture by now? Don't overdo it, Zara. It's something best to say less rather than more.]
It's disgusting! "Oh no!" The man beside me has been hit by another bomb [Poor bloke!], let me see, that is 6 now! [Ah! At this point it has become funny. Is that what you wanted?]
I haven't eaten or washed for weeks - [Punctuation changed - see above.] by the looks of it neither has anyone else. I feel proud to be in the war but also very terrified despite the fact I haven't got hit yet. [Full stop here.], it may happen ... [Punct change]
Spiders crawling up my arms! Many creepy crawlies and bugs are on my manky, dirty clothes.
Wow! This is rich stuff Zara. Very encouraging. I like the way you use broken sentences to convey the man's thoughts - but you need to check that you use the right sort of punctuation to support it.
Finally, remember that it is possible to over-write: we all have imagination, so fire us up with a few choice sentences and leave our imagination to fill in the gaps.
Ben's bit:
My life on the line, [Try a full stop here - makes the first sentence stronger] I tried to handle my nerves as I saw men fall to the ground like lifeless dolls [All dolls are 'lifeless' - cut the word] when a child's running home and there [Check this sp!] hands become weak and they dropped [You've changed tenses - past or presernt?] them in the mud. [The doll image and the running child are excellent ideas.]
Suddenly, I heard, [Comma added] "Cease fire!"in the other trench,
then there was a deadly silence.
[New para] My mate Bob said, [comma always before speech] "My god! [Exclamation mark added - it is an exclamation after all!] our men aren't even firing!"
[New para] So us being the nosey men we are, [like it!] we went over there to have a butchers.[Is slang appropriate here? maybe ...]
As we were trudging through the trench, we encountered lots of
dead bodies laying in the puddles of urine.The gunners were in reach now. But as we reached ['reach x 2] them we saw that they weren't even alive! Because of our training we could turn into gunners at the flick of a switch [Eh?]. Climbing quickly up the ladder to the guns [Not a sentence]. As we reached the top I heard a cry of pain and I saw Bob lying in the blood of the dead as lice jumped onto him. A German shell hurtling towards [one word]
me! It felt like years before it reached me but it was actually just about 4-5 seconds until it got to me. Because of my years of training, I knew that if a shell was coming towards me , I would [Had to] immediately jump out of the way to a safe place.
For a moment it felt like I was floating but then I realised that
was actually alive! I spotted the ladder that I climbed up, in an instant it was completely smashed to pieces. Now marooned on the top of a gunners mound, [comma added] so [delete this word] I
had to do my duty.
By Ben
Ben, this is great writing. Full of action and excitement and emotion. The attention to detail is what bring it to life.
Well done!
Beside me a man has blood spraying out of him. [Full stop and cap here probably better] Yuck! Revolting! [Excl mark added?] S [cap added]mells like urinated mud [ugh!], rotting bodies and things that make me want to vomit. Bombs exploding all around me, holding my ears because it's louder than a stereo [Did they have them in 1914?] full blast. Smoke clouds are rising and drifting up my nose. I can't help but [good] sneeze, vomit and cough. It's not very comfortable when you are crawling around in a trench, with rats surrounding me. A dead body right in front of me ... [Dots added. If you use fragmanted, broken sentences like this, you should use punctuation that matches it] I feel like I'm swimming in a puddle of blood mixed with urine, sick and wet sloppy mud. [Ok, ok, perhaps we've got the picture by now? Don't overdo it, Zara. It's something best to say less rather than more.]
It's disgusting! "Oh no!" The man beside me has been hit by another bomb [Poor bloke!], let me see, that is 6 now! [Ah! At this point it has become funny. Is that what you wanted?]
I haven't eaten or washed for weeks - [Punctuation changed - see above.] by the looks of it neither has anyone else. I feel proud to be in the war but also very terrified despite the fact I haven't got hit yet. [Full stop here.], it may happen ... [Punct change]
Spiders crawling up my arms! Many creepy crawlies and bugs are on my manky, dirty clothes.
Wow! This is rich stuff Zara. Very encouraging. I like the way you use broken sentences to convey the man's thoughts - but you need to check that you use the right sort of punctuation to support it.
Finally, remember that it is possible to over-write: we all have imagination, so fire us up with a few choice sentences and leave our imagination to fill in the gaps.
Ben's bit:
My life on the line, [Try a full stop here - makes the first sentence stronger] I tried to handle my nerves as I saw men fall to the ground like lifeless dolls [All dolls are 'lifeless' - cut the word] when a child's running home and there [Check this sp!] hands become weak and they dropped [You've changed tenses - past or presernt?] them in the mud. [The doll image and the running child are excellent ideas.]
Suddenly, I heard, [Comma added] "Cease fire!"in the other trench,
then there was a deadly silence.
[New para] My mate Bob said, [comma always before speech] "My god! [Exclamation mark added - it is an exclamation after all!] our men aren't even firing!"
[New para] So us being the nosey men we are, [like it!] we went over there to have a butchers.[Is slang appropriate here? maybe ...]
As we were trudging through the trench, we encountered lots of
dead bodies laying in the puddles of urine.The gunners were in reach now. But as we reached ['reach x 2] them we saw that they weren't even alive! Because of our training we could turn into gunners at the flick of a switch [Eh?]. Climbing quickly up the ladder to the guns [Not a sentence]. As we reached the top I heard a cry of pain and I saw Bob lying in the blood of the dead as lice jumped onto him. A German shell hurtling towards [one word]
me! It felt like years before it reached me but it was actually just about 4-5 seconds until it got to me. Because of my years of training, I knew that if a shell was coming towards me , I would [Had to] immediately jump out of the way to a safe place.
For a moment it felt like I was floating but then I realised that
was actually alive! I spotted the ladder that I climbed up, in an instant it was completely smashed to pieces. Now marooned on the top of a gunners mound, [comma added] so [delete this word] I
had to do my duty.
By Ben
Ben, this is great writing. Full of action and excitement and emotion. The attention to detail is what bring it to life.
Well done!
This is the first comment - and it's me! Come along folks!
ReplyDeleteWelcome Brook, Murston and Minterne!
ReplyDeleteStewart
Hi Stewart.
ReplyDeleteWe have just got our login for the blog and wanted to say how much we're looking forward to getting your story writing advice. Today we went for a walk in our village to match up the entries on the census with actual houses, and visited the Agricultural Museum in the village to get some really good background for our stories. We're each going to choose a household and write a story about something that might have happened to them on April 2nd. 2011.
Do you have any advice on getting us started with the story plots?
Many thanks!
Brook
Hello Brook
ReplyDeletePlots? How difficult, but here are three ideas:
1. The most difficult bit is always the ending; so try planning the story backwards, working towards that twist at the end.
2. The most important bit is the beginning. Spend time grabbing the reader.
3. There is no such thing as a new / original story line. (Someone once said there were just 5 basic plots: Romeo and Juliet, murder mystery, journey, etc. So try re-using (and changing, of course) a story line that you already know - eg 3 little pigs and a woolf could become 3 girls and Mrs Weirdo!
Good luck!
Stewart
Who was the wife of George Bell? Where did they live in 1911?
ReplyDeleteI suspect a trick question, Phil! The wife of George Bell was Mrs Bell and they lived in Bredgar in 1911!
ReplyDeleteffsdsd
ReplyDeleteEdenbridge 2 (a)
ReplyDeletename: Thomas nolan
When George got home to his huge mansion he hid the money in the silver coloured safe. He took his jet black jumpsuit off and went to see Alisia. Their mansion had pure gold hand rails, extremely expensive paintings and a massive tiger mosaic. They had stained glass windows, a huge king size bed with a bronze bed stead.
Good description that paints a fine pictrure. Well done!
name: jessica and reece
“Do you mean Alfred?” said the lodger in disbelief.
“ Yes” replied Mrs Everest in a gentle voice.
“ I saw Alfred leave, with a black leathered case,” said the lodger, when he was walking back and forth.
“ Shall I follow him because I can track his footprints in the bleached snow?” said the lodger standing there -where?
I like the conversation - you really are beginning to be writers!
name: Libie Bethany Courtney
The rich man’s ebony black hair flopped down as he remembered the memories of his youngest, most loved daughter. As he picked up the painting of the three daughters and dropped it on the mosaic floor in distraught because of the murder of the youngest daughter, Dorothy. Check this sentence - read it out loud - something’s gone wrong!
Dorothy’s sisters Elsie and Blanch sobbed into their laced handkerchiefs. The rich man Mr. Allen now had to keep the two daughters company because he was worried about his two remaining daughter’s lives.
Good writing - very grown up!
name: Luke Dolling
“ No meat” s?? I had the rest of the day off.
I was at home and I had my after-noon tea My glasses are (careful - you’ve suddenly jumped to the present) smeared my tea is hot. I Dropped (now back to the past tense again!)my tea it smashed in to microscopic piecesPeaces!
Well written! (Watch those tenses - either all now or all then, not now and then!)
name: cole james
The door slammed shut and the servant was gone,(no comma here) with Mr. Woods most precious ruby incrusted sand timer. Good description!
Ivy Brown quikly fled eh? the amazing chocolate box. As she was sprinting down the damp, snowy street, she saw horses that were so white they made the snow around it look grey. Brilliant image!
EDENBRIDGE PART 2
ReplyDeletename: nina & Tommy
"I can just remember that horrific day when Thomas'es body was found amoungest the swaying crops! I cant belive he was gone for one whole week and I didnt realise." I fled up the stairs. I had a flashback. I started feeling dizzy my eyes were locked shut i couldent open them (This says again what you said in the last sentence!).There was no key to this terrifying flashback until it was over. Love this last sentence!
name: miss terner
When Sam wakes up she has an idea to tell the police about the stolen Chandelier. So then the police say they will find the chandelier. Three Hours later they found (careful! We’ve slipped back into the past!) the chandelier but they will not give back the most fascinating thing they have ever seen.
Well done - good idea in the last sentence!
sara jane
I have to make a dress for the mayor’s wedding and I do not have no diamonds for it. They’ve been stolen. So now I can not make a wedding dress and will probably be killed as they think fink it was me .
Very good and realistic!
By Elliot and Alex
“Oh my gGod! (we often give Him a Capital letter = God!) I cant believe it!” sobbed Charles in desperation.Our shop was running so well until SOMEONE who I trusted stole all of our money.”
(New speaker, new paragraph) What should we do?” Said Mary in shock. I THINK WE SHOULD GO TO HE POLICE (No punctuation at the end? Why capital letters?)
At the police station Charles was talking about what had happened and one of them (what? who?) said “I know where he (who?) is. He’s in the local farm.” So Charles and the policemen set off. When they eventually got there after asking Mary to stay and look after George and Arthur
This last sentence seems to be the wrong way round! Check it. And don’t miss out those full stop at the end!
This has the makings of a fine, exciting story!
name: rebecca and ellie-may
The lady arched down (Great!) to pick up the shattered glass from the floor but (right word?) the motherly maid refused for her to pick it up her self. The elderly women crept up the wooden creaky flight of stairs to get dressed in her master’s bedroom. As she opened the bold ?? towering door, it swung open. She traipses (stay in the same tense!) over to her dresser but her gorgeous emerald ring was nowhere to be seen. So straight away she phoned the police and she explained she looked high and low and still nothing there, the ??? came straight away with no hassle.
Lots of interesting adjectives - well done.
by ellie-may and rebecca :) :P
name: Katryn and Allana
I teared tore down the street.
“Fudge!” I panted desperately. “I don” t have enough for a handsome coach! Let alone a house.” I started sobbing hysterically. That’s when I met Sarah-Ann Tatnall the person that changed my life forever.
Great! Love the ending. Well done. (Check those full stops!)
Hi Stewart,
ReplyDeleteThis seems to work from home but we are having problems at Chilton School. We can see 'Post a Comment' but we do not get a box or the drop down list. Any suggestions as to what may be blocking it? I will investigate tomorrow at school.
Mr. A. Denton (ICT Technician, Chilton Primary School)
Sheldwich Primary School
ReplyDeleteDear Stewart Ross,
Please can you look at the start of my story.
“Get out of my house!” screamed Gertrude. She had never felt so cross in her life. “I can’t believe the police caught you being drunk in the street!” “I’m leaving” bellowed Arthur George. “Goodbye you kur!”
Thank you for reading my work.
From Jack Kemp
To Stewart
Please you read some of my work so far. I hope you enjoy these piece of writing:
Arthur was sleeping down stairs, just lying down on the cold stiff sofa. When he heard the door bell ring he got up to answer it but Susana was already there.
Do you like my story? Did they have door bells then?
From Laurence
Dear Stewart
I would really like it if you would read and comment on this little part of this story.
Hope you enjoy it.
Clara was outraged. “Edward! Why did you do that?” cried Clara.
“Just to get you back from that ass Clara” he sneered and threw a look of disgust at the corpse on the floor.
“Come. Let’s do some spooning” “NO” shrieked Clara “GET AWAY YOU STUUPID OAF” Clara burst in to tears and ran out of the door sobbing…..
Love from Honor
Dear Stewart Ross,
I hope you enjoy my story; I am putting a lot of work into it I will give you a bit of the introduction
Part One: On an early humid morning in Bredgar, Eliza and Alistair were arguing in their house,” Dam I know you’re hot but so am i!”Cried Alistair
“But it’s not you, or the heat… it’s something else!”
Did you like that? Well you’ll love my story!
Your’s sincerely
Max.
Dear Stewart,
Please could you read the start of my story and tell me what you think.
Part 1:
“NO” yelled Arthur “you can’t” “this is why I had to, your always so angry at me I can’t lie with it any longer” explained Alicia calmly “Fine” hissed Arthur as he left the house, after all he knew when he was not wanted and that was what he had seen. His girlfriend had cheated on him; he Arthur George had seen Alicia Bell and Henry Ingram spooning under a tree!!! “What’s done is done” Arthur muttered to himself angrily as he trudged down Bredgar street.
I hope you liked it.
Thank you,
Catherine Reid
http://brunswickdeal.primaryblogger.co.uk/ Please check out our blog. We have 6 entries based on our WWI input. Alicia and George work to follow.
ReplyDeletePatiently, I waited for George to return from the fields. I had dinner on the table and couldn't wait to get started! Suddenly, out of nowhere, George came storming in through the weak, wooden door, making a hinge fall to the ground with a clatter. There was an awrkward scilence as George stared me down. Before I knew it, he had me pinned against the crumbly wall, shouting "WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME ALICIA, WHY?" I was lost for words...
ReplyDelete'"WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT GEORGE, I DONT WHAT THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS YOUR TALKING ABOUT!" I replied, with gravel in my voice, I turned away, not even bothering to turn back around.
Written by Sadie
Beside me a man has blood spraying out of him, yuck! Revolting smells like urinated mud, rotting bodies and things that make me want to vomit. Bombs exploding all around me, holding my ears because it's louder than a stereo full blast. Smoke clouds are rising and drifting up my nose. I can't help but sneeze, vomit and cough. It's not very comfortable when you are crawling around in a trench, with rats surrounding me. A dead body right in front of me, I feel like I'm swimming in a puddle of blood mixed with urine, sick and wet sloppy mud. It's disgusting! "Oh no!" The man beside me has been hit by another bomb, let me see, that is 6 now!
ReplyDeleteI haven't eaten or washed for weeks, by the looks of it neither has anyone else. I feel proud to be in the war but also very terrified despite the fact I haven't got hit yet, it may happen. Spiders crawling up my arms! Many creepy crawlies and bugs are on my manky, dirty clothes.
Written by Zara
Hello everyone
ReplyDeleteJust found all kinds of things on the blog - 2 of which were labelled as 'spam'. Grr! Silly Google!
Anyway, here are some thoughts, one by one:
1. Hi Stewart,
This seems to work from home but we are having problems at Chilton School. We can see 'Post a Comment' but we do not get a box or the drop down list. Any suggestions as to what may be blocking it? I will investigate tomorrow at school.
Mr. A. Denton (ICT Technician, Chilton Primary School)
Hello Mrs D - some schools seem to have a filter that blocks access to Google. Don't aske me why. But you could try disabling it.
2. Sheldwich:
Please can you look at the start of my story.
OF COURSE!
“Get out of my house!” screamed Gertrude. She had never felt so cross in her life. “I can’t believe the police caught you being drunk in the street!”
“I’m leaving” bellowed Arthur George.
“Goodbye you kur!”
Thank you for reading my work.
From Jack Kemp
IT'S GREAT, JACK! REALLY GRIPPING BEGINNING. ONLY COMMENTS ARE (1) EACH NEW SPEAKER NEEDS A NEW LINE (2) WHAT'S THE PUNCTUATION AFTER "I'M LEAVING" AND (3) "CUR" (MEANING DOG) IS SPELT WITH A C.
3. Sheldwich
Please you read some of my work so far. I hope you enjoy these piece of writing [Of course I do!]:
Arthur was sleeping down stairs, just [why 'just']lying down on the cold stiff sofa. When he heard the door bell ring he got up to answer it but Susana was already there.[Good stuff! I'm already gripped.]
Do you like my story? Did they have door bells then?
From Laurence
[They did have door bells, but not electric, and it's a great start. Carry on, carry on ...!]
4.Dear Stewart
I would really like it if you would read and comment on this little part of this story.
Hope you enjoy it. {I will!]
Clara was outraged. [Great start!]“Edward! Why did you do that?” [she] cried [delete repeated 'Clara']Clara.
“Just to get you back from that ass, [comma needed here or it makes Clara seem likie the ass!] Clara” he sneered and threw a look of disgust at the corpse on the floor. [Wow!]
“Come. Let’s do some spooning ![Exclaition here, surely!!!]”
[new para]“NO [another exclamation!!!” shrieked Clara. [full stop] “GET AWAY YOU STUUPID OAF [and another exclamation!]” Clara burst in to tears and ran out of the door sobbing…..
Love from Honor
Fantastic work Clara - 'ops! I mean Honor. Just sort lout those exclamations marks. What happened next?
CONTINUED ...
MORE ...
ReplyDelete5. Dear Stewart Ross, [Hello!]
I hope you enjoy my story; I am putting a lot of work into it I will give you a bit of the introduction [Great. Good lad.]
Part One: On an early humid morning in Bredgar, Eliza and Alistair were arguing in their house [Full stop here and new para]
"Dam [Exclamation mark needed and it's spelt damn!]I know you’re hot but so am I!”C [small 'c' here] cried Alistair
“But it’s not you, or the heat… it’s something else!”
Did you like that? [Yes, I did. A brilliant way of starting,. Really grabbed me with its mystery!]Well you’ll love my story! (Sure!]
6. Dear Stewart, [Hello!]
Please could you read the start of my story and tell me what you think. [Of course]
Part 1:
“NO [exclamation needed mark please!]” yelled Arthur. [Full stop and cap letter here - new sentence.] “You can’t. [Full stop ]”
[New para]“T [Cap letter]his is why I had to. [Full stop & cap and you are = you're] You're always so angry at me I can’t lie [You mean 'live', I hope!]with it any longer, [comma added]” explained Alicia calmly. [Full stop
[New speaker needs a new para] “Fine [Comma or exclamation mark - we must have something]” hissed [great word] Arthur as he left the house. [Full stop] After all, [Comma] he knew when he was not wanted and that was what he had seen. His girlfriend had cheated on him; he Arthur George had seen Alicia Bell and Henry Ingram spooning under a tree!!! [Wow! Great period feel and interest! Well done.]
[|New para]“What’s done is done, [Comma]” Arthur muttered to himself angrily as he trudged down Bredgar street.
I hope you liked it. [Yes, I really, really did. A fine piece of writing that gripped me. Sort out the punctuation, though.]
Thank you,
Catherine Reid
Your’s sincerely
Max.
WELL DONE SHELDWICH!
HAVE TO GO TO A SCHOOL IN ESSEX NOW - BRUNSWICK, WILL REPLY TO YOURS WHEN I RETURN.
I think I've covered everyone now. Let me know if anyone has ben missed out.
ReplyDeleteStewart
My life on the line, I tried to handle my nerves as I saw men fall to the ground like lifeless dolls when a child's running home and there hands become weak and they dropped them in the mud.Suddenly, I heard "Cease fire!"in the other trench, then there was a deadly silence... my mate Bob said "My god our men aren't even firing!", so us being the nosey men we are,we went over there to have a butchers.
ReplyDeleteAs we were trudging through the trench, we encountered lots of dead bodies laying in the puddles of urine.The gunners were in reach now. But as we reached them we saw that they weren't even alive! Because of our training we could turn into gunners at the flick of a switch. Climbing quickly up the ladder to the guns. As we reached the top I heard a cry of pain and I saw Bob lying in the blood of the dead as lice jumped onto him. A German shell hurtling to- wards me! It felt like years before it reached me but it was actually just about 4-5 seconds until it got to me. Because of my years of training, I knew that if a shell was coming towards me ,I would immediately jump out of the way to a safe place.
For a moment it felt like I was floating but then I realised that I was still in the air. As I was heading towards the ground I realised that I was actually alive! I spotted the ladder that I climbed up, in an instant it was completely smashed to pieces. Now marooned on the top of a gunners mound so I had to do my duty.
By Ben